I will always remember the day my dad first deployed out to the Middle East. Bleary eyed and half asleep, me and my brother being ushered into the back of the car by our mother. I could never tell whether the morning dew had settled early or if she was crying. We would drive to the base drop-off point; scary men with big guns guarding the entrance. The sun would have risen by now, but it always felt darker as dad disappeared into the back of an old desert truck. We drove back to the normalcy of daily life.
Six months was his longest deployment. And, honestly, time would pass quickly. We had school, breakfast club, a whole host of sports clubs to be distracting us. And when he would return, those were the best days. The unlimited ice cream, cuddles and dad jokes days.
And as far as best days go, I will always remember when my brother first took an interest in my life too. After a very disjointed childhood relationship, the point of my father’s diagnosis humanised my robotic brother. His smile softened, his quips were said with warmth, and suddenly my boyfriends were an issue. I think the realisation that someone we both loved was dying, brought even our separated souls together.
It was during this time that I realised one of the most important lessons I have learnt so far in my 21 years. The people who love you will never truly leave you. I wish I had been told this before, so that I wouldn’t be so frightened of losing the people around me. I had spent days preparing for a life without my dad as soon as he climbed aboard those desert trucks, as soon as the shutter clicked on the final photo before he left – you know the type. When the day finally came though, I still cried. I still grieved, full of anger and hatred for the world. And I can forgive myself for those feelings, I can accept them gladly and express them with reflection, but there is one feeling that I wish I could erase.
Abandonment. Loneliness. I felt like because he would no longer be physically with us, I had lost him. But I was so wrong. Because the people who love you – they never truly leave you. How could they? They are engraved in your heart, they are in your passage of time. If someone loves you then they will always be there for you.
It is one month and two days before my 21st birthday. It was fathers day at the weekend, and I went home to Oxford, back to a house with a newly refurbished kitchen and conservatory (mum is loving her freshly acquired pension pot). In celebration of the day I thought I would have a look at some old VHS tapes from my childhood. Lo-and-behold, there he was. My father, and more specifically, my father’s voice. ‘Hello sweetheart’ he says to a toddling one-year-old me.
Hello dad.
And then it hit me like a wave, the feeling of greeting an old friend, welcoming them into my day as if no time had passed at all. He has never left me. He has been here the whole time. In my stubborness, in my smile, in the way I will work ferociously until I accomplish my goal. Balanced with the qualities of my beautiful, empathic, caring mother. And the random talents I have picked up from friends; the song lyrics learnt from my best friends car radio, the recipes I have memorised from cooking for my loved ones. We are a sum of all the love we have given and received in this world. We are the love of the ones around us, we are bruised and brilliant and bold. We are utterly imperfect. And within that is a million perfections of the people we cherish every day.
I am with him, everyday. And he is with me.
And really, the people who love you will be with you, always. If love truly exists between two people then no distance is far enough to stop them from being part of each other’s lives. Love is making time for one another, listening to each other, involving each other and accepting them into your life. My dad may have left this physical earth, but he walks beside me every day in the memories I share with him, the blood that runs in my veins and the love I hold for him in my heart.
And with that gives you the strength to let go of the people who don’t make the time, or listen or spare a thought about you. It is okay to want more than that, to realise that love is out there ready to be shared with you no matter the circumstances. Don’t waste your time on people who don’t support you, and challenge you to be the best you can be – surround yourself with love and you will never be alone.
You will never, ever, be alone.
M x
Living Powerfully 