It’s okay to be scared. If your lips are trembling, and your face is flush with tears, it’s okay. If the only strength you can muster is to bring your knees to your chest, rest your chin upon them and let your knees be your pillow. They cannot smother you.
Sometimes, I am so scared that the world takes too much and next time it knocks on my door there will be nothing left to greet it. A house with no host. A home with no heart. It seems that every time I gain, I also lose. A walk in the park turned into a marathon.
Loss is a difficult emotion. It seems to hide itself into the deepest parts of me, only appearing when opportunity smiles. Sitting on my shoulder, loss whispers, reminding me that opportunity is a roller-coaster that goes up, yes, but can also come straight back down. Opportunity is the girl with a golden smile and beat up kicks. She is everything you want. But as you lean in, close enough to taste her freckles, she can still run away. Why do you think I said beat-up kicks?
I have been like this for years. I think it is normal to feel this way once you meet loss. It is difficult to have something when you know the pain of losing it all. I have lost over and over again, sometimes the only palpable ‘something’ being anxious sweat on my palms.
If you offer me the world, know that I am terrified.
But I know now, I know now, that it is okay to be scared. To feel the terror but have the courage to kick off your shoes and run barefoot. To feel every cut, scrape, blister and bruise as I run and run and run. Towards. Away. But always forwards. Always forwards.
I will always fall for opportunity. I treasure her. I will always be scared of what can take her away – but I will always run toward her. My breath will catch, my legs will shake and sometimes I will gasp for air, but I am coming, opportunity. I am coming.
This marathon is worth running, if you are my prize.
M x
Living Powerfully 